07/11/2010 I stay?

My dear friends, I am sorry for being that busy, or lazy. I did not wrote much the last weeks. This was kind of, because I was busy with all the school work, on the other hand, it was because I was lazy, and than, it was also, because there was nothing spectacular in my life. Not in comparison to before, but a lot in private is going on:
1.) It seems I stay here. On Friday, I got a job offer. Incl. Visa. At a good company. I guess I will take it.... However, it is completely the opposite of all I wanted. I needed a ex colleague to find this out. But it is true. The new job is work intensive, stressfull and will me not give any chance to build up a private life the next years. Further, it does not support me on the way to a "real" management position... like a head of department or so. IT might bring tons of money, but... I was never interested in that.
2.) My exboyfriend has now his residentship. One more year and he will own a brittain passport. Than he will go back to India... So he said in our last talk. However, he is again not talking anymore with me. I want to be with him, but his insane behave gives me and us no chance. Tztztztz
3.)My date is not dating me anymore. He is searching for the real love. Maybe I told him some times too often that he is speaking too much and should just be quiete and pretty. Yes, I know, I am not nice, but, I was it never. And yes, I know, that I repeat the asshole-pattern from some of my ex... But, well, this is how I am.
4.) Well, on friday, I have had my master defense. it was a video conference with 3 continents. However, the Chinese were not connected and the polish were too late. It startet 8:00am east coast time, I was already awake at 5pm for getting prepared. I also prepared a kind of breakfast for my friend, who gave me a ride. This guy... I know him since a year. He was really obstinate in asking my help with his flat...Somehow we got friends... I think. I like him. And he does a lot of the cute things for me. And me for him. well, he was there for getting breakfast and giving me a ride. After the defense, we went with the others to a bar to join the happy hour. But first, he dropped me home for changing the cloth
5.) when we arrived at the bar, the table was already full with 15 people, we took a seat the waitress came, geave us the menues and called me out as the girlfriend of my date. 3 times. Well, after this, my friend, he spoke the whole time with the girl next to him. And he did not drove me home. And he did not pick me up for the party in the evening. Clear.

well. You see, a lot of things, but not really things to share in detail, not really positive, not really exiting, just the daily crab.

And I get fat. I gained since I am in US already 7kg. I hate it and I work out every day. But... No help at all. Today I worked out twice, and after that, I went with my friend and a bottle of wine in the hot tube. We talked, we listen to beautiful music from "Söhne Mannheims" and we spoke about the deeper meaning.... And I thought of Jernej, my very best friend, who I lost because I was too busy to listen. Well. A bad feeling. And I feel the lack of him again. And I see, that I was not even thinking of him in the last weeks. Nad I feel much worse. How can it be, that I forget to think of one of the most wonderful persons in my life? How can I dare to forget him? And how dare from me to forget about all the other people I love so much?

Make this all sence what I do here? Or is it complete against all my values?

I am far away from the people I love, far away from my family, and far away from my goals. I am busy, too busy to keep my friendships, I am surprised that some of my former best friends have 3 years old kids... I am too stressed for anyone outside of me. I am too busy to be a friend, or even a part of the society. There are people, who are really important to me. And they are so happy, if they see me.... But I am since over a year too busy with silly things to visit them.
I am far away from my goal of finding a special one and having a family. And with this new job, I will stay far away from that for the next 5 years. And the time is running. Somewhen, I will wake up... alone. And it is too late for everything. I will be maybe rich, maybe not, but not relaxed, not healthy and not surrounded by friends and family. All is possible... well we will se ;) .