21/06/2010 The good things of dead friends

Sarcastic the heading, isn't it? But, go on reading, maybe you will understand it after a while.

As I posted some days ago, my best friend died. So, I was very busy the last days. First with crying, drinking and partying. Who thinks, it is not adequate to go out to the clubs and have fun, while your better half gets eaten by the worms, to them I can just say: Exactly this is the reason for going out! Hanging around at home makes you only depressive, which I already was. But when I go out, I have to behave myself and stop crying. I have an excuse to drink, and I drank a lot.
Second, I was very busy by informing all of our and his friends about his dead. Of course, this is not a topic for a mass email. And of course, everyone want to know some details. So many people are so sad due to this new. And so many people wanted to talk with me. To give me their condolences, to pray with me, to support me, or to get more information. Well, all this was challanging. Very often, when I thought, I am over that crying phase, I received a letter, a picture or a call, and I start to cry again.
Now, I am thankfull for all the wounderful moments he gave me... but still, crying sometimes.
I mean, I know, he is dead, but my heard do not feel it. I am bad in holding contacts. I could say, I am too busy or lazy to write emails, but to be honest, most time, there is nothting new to tell. So my friends are not informed, I do not call, and than, when I need them, I am afraid to call and ask them for a favour, after having not called for such a long time.
The other thing is: I am an expert in avoiding negative topics. In my world, serious negative topics do not exist. So, this is also why I knew my friend was sick (he told me he is serious sick). But why I do not know anything in detail. I did not asked. I changed the topic, telling about health and so. The same now, by chatting with my other friend. We 3 stuck the most time together. And she is the same. Not calling and avoiding topics we do not like to hear.
Due to his dead, she called me. And guess what.. we did not spoke about the fakt, he is dead. We spoke about the nice moments we have had together. And about the organizational things. And about everything else - But his dead.
We were always very close, even if we did not communicate for some month. We were always thinking of each others, and we felt it. We felt each others. And so it is now. My heard did not realize, that my darling died. I feel him still here. I think of him before I sleep, or on some moments in the day. As usual. No difference. I believe, he is dead, but no. No, not for real.
What is strange, is, after I heard from his dead, I remeber other moments than before.
So, the positiv thing is, I have had a reason to contact my friends. And this reason was this time not, because I wanted something from them. Ok, of course the most of them were shocked and sad, but we spoke and we got back in contact, and for 80% I felt, the relationship is the same strong as before. Thank you darling for that! Everyday, I love you more... since almost 10 years. And your death did not stoped it. TC.